“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” – Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” – Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” – Abraham Lincoln
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
And, just for some variety, the “Dad Joke” hater has provided me with some insults for inclusion:
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
I had an interesting conversation with one of our members (who shall remain nameless) after last month’s newsletter. I was advised that the lexophiles were ‘Dad jokes’ and we should get back to wine cartoons in this section. So I have a choice more Dad Jokes or look for wine cartoons. I must have a wee obstinate streak in me somewhere.
I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me. (Had to include this didn’t I – Ed)
This woman today said she recognizes me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she would dye.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
My wife left me and ran away with my next door neighbour!!! I’m actually starting to miss him.
I am terrified of elevators. I have to take steps to avoid them.
Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they Lactose.
And to introduce a wine (or is that whine) element
I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine – it’s a Bordeaux Collie.
I’m a wine enthusiast – the more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get’.
The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.
(Not all my own work- part of this list was ably contributed by Mr Kennedy – Ed)
I have decided to move away from wine jokes this month. Editor’s privilege you understand. I came across an item on “lexophiles”, a play on words, and decided I would try a few.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s really good, I just can’t put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three year old was resisting a rest.
Who am I to argue
Less than two months now, so thoughts turn toward?
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she’d like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag. The driver said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, “Good trade.”
The pub had just closed and Paddy was taking a shortcut through the cemetery when he fell into a newly dug hole that the gravediggers had left uncovered. Paddy made a valiant attempt to get out but couldn’t make it. He gave up, pulled a bottle from his hip pocket and decided to settle in the corner until morning.
Half an hour later another drunk fell into the hole.
“You’ll never get out lad,” said Paddy
But he did, in one mighty leap.