Have you heard – June 2012

Paddy and Liam each acquired a pig. They pondered for some time on how they might tell which pig belonged to whom. At length Paddy said “I will cut of an ear from my pig.” Liam agreed and the deed was done.

Things went along happily for a time until one day Liam burst into the house. “Paddy” he said “your pig has bitten off my pigs ear, how will we tell them apart now?” “Look” says Paddy ” I will cut off the other  ear and we will know that my pig has both ears cut off”

This was agreed and things went along well for another period of time until Liam again burst into the house. “Paddy” he yelled “Your pig has bitten off my pigs other ear. Now we have two pigs with no ears, how will we tell them apart?” Paddy thought about this then said “OK, I will cut off the tail of my pig then we will know that the pig
with no ears and tail is mine.”

This was agreed and again things went along smoothly for a while until Liam burst into the house “Paddy” he yelled “Your pig has bitten off my pigs tail and now we have two pigs with no ears and no tail, How will we tell them apart?”

Paddy was exasperated “For goodness sake” he said “Why don’t you have the white one and I’ll have the black one.”

Have you heard, April 2012

A small boy had been to a wedding unaccompanied by his parents, and on his return home his mother was anxious to hear all the details. “Who was there dear?” she asked.

“Well there was Uncle George and Auntie Kate, and cousin Billie and Fred Green. Mummy? What’s fornication?” His mother jumped. “What did you have to eat dear?” she asked hastily.

“We had ice cream and buns and lollies and lemonade and lots of cake. Mummy? What’s fornication?” His mother tried again. “And was there a band?”

“Yes Mummy, a big band and they played loud. Mummy? What’s fornication?” His mother thought she had better get to the bottom of this, so she asked, “Where did you hear that word?”

The lad looked up. “Uncle George said that fornication like this we really needed champagne.”

Opinion of life – Have you heard, March 2012

The scene is a monastery where every seven years a monk is selected to pass an opinion of life within the community.

At one of the seven year meetings, the Abbot calls upon Brother Albert to say what he feels, and the privileged monk asks: “Why is our soup always cold?”

Seven years later Brother John is invited to speak, and he says: “The soup is not always cold but is sometimes hot.”

Another seven years pass and this time Brother Richard is called upon. He says: “I want to resign the Order”

When asked why he contends: “I’m sick and tired of this constant bickering.”

 

2011 Hutt River Shiraz

hutt-river-shiraz-2011-medFor those non-believers out there, here’s proof that Hutt River does indeed make wine.

This 2011 Hutt River Estate Shiraz was sent to our President, Anne Megget, by a friend dining at a BBQ in Australia recently.

The Hutt River label, owned by Cellarmaster Wines Australia, is one of about 80 labels on their books.

For those interested in viewing all Cellarmaster’s wine labels, visit the Australian Intellectual Property report website. To build the report use the following report criteria:

  • = +Cellarmaster +Wines +Limited +Street +BONDI +JUNCTION +2022 +AUSTRALIA
  • = select Class 33
  • select button Update

 

 

Have you heard – Dec 2011

An elderly priest invited a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the young priest couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young priest’s thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.

About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, “Father, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”. The priest said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘did not’ take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here.”

Several days later the elderly priest received a letter from the young priest which read: “Dear Father, I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

Have you heard – Nov 2011

This months contributor is Wayne Kennedy

wine-taster
No. Not Wayne Kennedy…

At a wine merchants, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers”. Low grade but acceptable. “That’s correct”, said the boss.

Another glass…. “It’s a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” “Correct.”

A third glass…”It’s a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive” calmly said the drunk. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don’t give me the job, I’ll name the father.”