Have you heard

I had an interesting conversation with one of our members (who shall remain nameless) after last month’s newsletter. I was advised that the lexophiles were ‘Dad jokes’ and we should get back to wine cartoons in this section. So I have a choice more Dad Jokes or look for wine cartoons. I must have a wee obstinate streak in me somewhere.

I didn’t like my beard at first, but then it grew on me. (Had to include this didn’t I – Ed)

This woman today said she recognizes me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she would dye.

If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

My wife left me and ran away with my next door neighbour!!! I’m actually starting to miss him.

I am terrified of elevators. I have to take steps to avoid them.

Do you know why cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they Lactose.

And to introduce a wine (or is that whine) element

I’ve trained my dog to bring me a glass of red wine – it’s a Bordeaux Collie.

I’m a wine enthusiast – the more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get’.

The first thing on my bucket list is to fill the bucket with wine.

(Not all my own work- part of this list was ably contributed by Mr Kennedy – Ed)

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I have decided to move away from wine jokes this month. Editor’s privilege you understand. I came across an item on “lexophiles”, a play on words, and decided I would try a few.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s really good, I just can’t put it down.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, then it dawned on me.
I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
Police were summoned to a day-care centre where a three year old was resisting a rest.

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A woman was driving home in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

She stopped the car and asked the woman if she’d like a ride. The woman thanked her and got in the car.

After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag. The driver said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, “Good trade.”

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The pub had just closed and Paddy was taking a shortcut through the cemetery when he fell into a newly dug hole that the gravediggers had left uncovered. Paddy made a valiant attempt to get out but couldn’t make it. He gave up, pulled a bottle from his hip pocket and decided to settle in the corner until morning.

Half an hour later another drunk fell into the hole.

“You’ll never get out lad,” said Paddy

But he did, in one mighty leap.

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Have you heard – The Bottle of Wine Parable

Huang Chan was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Wong. Huang Chan gave Wong a bottle and said, ‘Buy me a bottle of wine.’ Wong, the poor farmhand enquired, ‘How can I buy you wine with no money at all?’ Huang Chan replied disdainfully, ‘Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.’

Time elapsed and Wong eventually returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Chan and murmured, ‘Enjoy the wine, please.’

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, ‘There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?’ Wong replied to Huang Chan, with a straight face, ‘Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some but it takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.’

(Not sure that this would be a skill I would seek to develop. Ed)

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I recently went to my new doctor. After two visits and exhaustive tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age.

I was a bit worried what he meant by that, so I asked him, “Do you think I’ll live to be eighty, Doc?” He looked at me and asked me, “Do you smoke or drink beer or wine?” I said, “No, nothing like that. And I don’t do drugs either.”

He looked at me again and asked me, “Okay, do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, my old doctor told me that all red meat is very unhealthy.” He looked at me again and asked me, “Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?” I replied, “No, nothing like that.”

He looked at me again and asked me, “And do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?” I said, “No, nothing like that, Doc.” He looked at me again and said, “Then why do you even care?”

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It is not unusual for many of our friends, who are still working, to ask Pat and me what we do with our time now that we are retired.

Just as an example, the other day we went into town to do a little shopping. When we came out of the store there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said “Come on Mate, give a senior citizen a break”

He ignored us and continued to write out the ticket. I called him an a***hole. He glared at me then started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So Pat called him a s***head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first one.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on and went home. We weren’t too concerned about the vehicle’s owner because of the sticker on the back window “I support the Greens”

We try to have a little fun each day now that we are retired. It’s important at our age.